Where do we go from here?

 I had 5 days off during my miscarriage and then went back for half a day. It was not a productive day. I cried a lot. Stared at my laptop a lot. Nothing really got done. I then did another half day which was easier and a full day and then thankfully, it was time for a week off. I was clearly not my usual bubbly self but my colleague had told everyone I'd been vomiting so no one asked questions. They just asked if I was feeling better. "Getting there" I'd reply. The week off was mainly just me sitting on the sofa and eating cookies. I was not better. Today, I went back again. I'm glad I did those few days before half term. I think it made it easier. It was not easy though. I couldn't bear walking around trying to pretend I was okay. I just wanted to look as miserable as I felt. I decided to ask my boss to email everyone to let them know. I don't want to talk about it but I just want to know that I can walk down the corridor looking like shit and no one wil

 It's a constant fluctuation of feeling okay and feeling shit. Yesterday, I felt okay. Motivated. Did lots of cleaning and felt okay. Today, I can't do anything. I just want to be pregnant. 

 We waited a year to get pregnant  I waited days to be given a scan I waited for the bleeding to stop  For two weeks, I waited to be told that it was all over Now I wait to feel normal, to feel better I wait for the sadness to go I wait for the guilt to end I wait for the opportunity to try again and wait and wait and wait 

It felt like my period was about to start. The cramping. The general rubbish feeling. I'd taken a cheap pregnancy test that morning and it was negative. I wasn't due on for another 4 days. But this month felt different. I couldn't quite shake the feeling that maybe it had finally happened. I started to read through forums to find success stories of people who felt this way and found out they were pregnant. At around 6pm, the need to pee on yet another stick was so strong and I decided to try a more expensive, sensitive one even though it was the evening and still so early. I just knew I should I do it though.  So, on the 9th January, I peed on a stick. I'd lost count of how many times I'd done this over the past year. It was always the same result. 1 line. Not pregnant. Except this time, there was a faint line maybe. It wasn't obvious but it was something. I showed Dee who wasn't convinced but I knew. On the Monday, it was a more obvious line. Still faint bu