This is hard

It felt like my period was about to start. The cramping. The general rubbish feeling. I'd taken a cheap pregnancy test that morning and it was negative. I wasn't due on for another 4 days. But this month felt different. I couldn't quite shake the feeling that maybe it had finally happened. I started to read through forums to find success stories of people who felt this way and found out they were pregnant. At around 6pm, the need to pee on yet another stick was so strong and I decided to try a more expensive, sensitive one even though it was the evening and still so early. I just knew I should I do it though. 

So, on the 9th January, I peed on a stick. I'd lost count of how many times I'd done this over the past year. It was always the same result. 1 line. Not pregnant.

Except this time, there was a faint line maybe. It wasn't obvious but it was something. I showed Dee who wasn't convinced but I knew.

On the Monday, it was a more obvious line. Still faint but there. Tuesday was another line. Wednesday another. Thursday, the strongest line yet and no period. I was pregnant.

We were excited. We told parents, siblings, and a few close friends at work. All people that we thought we would tell if something went wrong. I had nausea and I was exhausted but no other symptoms. I downloaded an app that told me what animal the baby was the same size as.

We started to look at houses because we needed more space. We put our house up for sale. We put an offer in and got it accepted. It was all starting to go our way.

I was 7w4d pregnant. I woke up that Tuesday  and felt different. Something didn't feel right. There looked like there could have been a little bit of  brown discharge when I wiped that morning but it wasn't hugely obvious.

I went to work as usual but still couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't wrong. Sent a message to my partner at 7.50 saying "I really don't feel right this morning."

At around lunchtime, I went to the loo and now it was obvious that I was spotting now. Told my friend at work what was happening and that I needed to make some phone calls. Messaged Dee. Sat on hold for the GP for 6 minutes. Just about managed to hold back the tears while I explained. I didn't have a midwife yet so didn't know who to call. She gave me a number for an early pregnancy unit. I rang it and it didn't exist. I searched for a number online and rang that one instead. No one answered. I left a message and spent the entire afternoon checking my phone in case they rang me back.

By 5.30pm, it was getting worse. Called the GP again and told them the number didn't exist. They gave me another number. I called them. They were shut. While I was on the phone, I missed a call from the first early pregnancy unit I'd contacted. I tried to call them back but no answer.

I cried. 

I knew what was happening. 

My friend at work was messaging me telling me it was going to be okay, that this is common in early pregnancy, that she was keeping everything crossed. Dee was being supportive. But I knew.

Wednesday morning and nothing had changed. I wasn't due in work until 1pm. I tried 111 online and requested a callback.

I didn't know whether to see what happened or let work know not to expect me at all. Dee was about to set off to work and I had a panic attack in the kitchen. He didn't go to work and I emailed my work. I was honest, told them I was pregnant, that this isn't how I wanted to announce it but that I was having worrying symptoms and wouldn't be in. We were due to have house viewings that day so couldn't stay in the house. Dee wanted to try A&E but I didn't think it was an emergency. I wanted to wait until the EPU or 111 called me back.We decided to go to my mum's as she was closer to the hospital and had been through this 4 times.

On the way, 111 called me back to tell me it will be a long wait so would be better calling my GP again.

At my mum's, the EPU called me back. The advice was wait 24 hours. If it got worse, call them and they'll book a scan. If it settled down, take a pregnancy test in a week. They didn't seem concerned. The viewings had stopped so we decided to go home and wait there for it to either get worse or settle down. 

I had some cramps over the evening and a little bleeding.

At around 6pm, I went for a wee. A whole month previously, I'd done this exact same thing and got a positive pregnancy test. This time, I had a bad cramp, and it felt like something came out of me. Something more solid than blood. I didn't really see but it was a shiny, dark red blob I think. It was followed by a lot of bright, red blood. I remember looking in the toilet thinking that my baby was in there. I flushed the toilet. Should I have done that?

I went to tell Dee and said I think we need to go to A&E now.

In A&E, I told the receptionist. She looked sympathetic and told me to wait. I then told the triage nurse who took my blood pressure. She told me that they won't scan me at this time so I would have to contact the EPU in the morning. My blood pressure was high so she said she wanted the doctor to see me. I imagine it was high because she took it while I was explaining to yet another person that I thought I was having a miscarriage. No one else had said that is what could be happening. No one else looked concerned or worried. They looked sympathetic towards my worrying but no one gave the impression that they thought I was having a miscarriage.

We waited for a few hours to see the doctor. I recounted the situation again and thankfully he did not try and take my blood pressure this time. He said there could be a lot of explanations. He said one of them could be a miscarriage. I finally felt like someone else was on my side. Everyone else had been so lovely and caring but they didn't seem to think it was a miscarriage. I know healthcare professionals probably see 100s of pregnant people who are spotting and bleeding and lots of those go on to have healthy pregnancies. They probably thought I was one of those. This doctor seemed to know, like I did, that this wasn't ending well. He tried to find a vein in my arm and failed. Doctors always fail. Nurses are the only ones who find veins in my arms. He took blood from my hand, gave me some painkillers and said he'd ring gynaecology to see if they wanted to see me. They didn't. He'd see me again in about an hour when the bloods were back.

We continued to wait.

An hour later, he said my bloods were 'alright'. He'd refer me to the EPU, they'd call me in the morning and get a scan booked in. He was happy for me to wait at home. He said come back if it got worse. 

We went home to wait.

Thursday, we stayed in bed. Dee tried to call the hospital who put him through to someone who put him through to someone who put him through to someone else. Eventually he spoke to someone who said they would call me back sometime before 6pm. We stayed jn bed some more. I had period like cramps and period like bleeding. I knew what was happening.

In the afternoon, they called me and booked me in for a scan at 8.15 the following day. We just had to wait. In the meantime, we accepted an offer on our house. I wasn't excited about selling or buying a house now. The house was for the baby that was now in the toilet.

We went for the appointment. I had the scan. There was an empty, low lying, 5 week sized gestational sac.

We went into a room to wait. The room where you wait when it's bad news. A nurse came. She was lovely. She said it was very likely a miscarriage but they couldn't confirm it for another 10 days. They booked us another appointment and we went home.

We cried.

We told people. All the people we said we'd tell if things went wrong. Now we had to tell them that things had gone wrong.

Everything about that weekend is a bit of a blur. I remember feeling something else fall out of me on the Sunday which I'm guessing was the empty gestational sac. I'll never know what that first thing was on the Wednesday. I think it was an embryo that stopped developing at 5 weeks. It was a dot snail at 5 weeks. I crocheted a snail. Dee bought me a snail charm for my bracelet. I expected to feel a bit better. I kept waiting for a most positive feeling. It never came.

Monday and Tuesday. I don't even know what I did. Ate chocolate.

Wednesday I went back to work. I didn't do a lot. A cried to my friend. I cried to my boss. I cried to a poor coworker who was just checking on me as she thought I'd been ill. I made it through the afternoon. Thursday I went back to work for the morning and survived. Managed to say the words "I had a miscarriage" outloud without sobbing. Friday I went back to work all day. I kept waiting to feel normal. I never did.

The weekend was a blur again. Dee did house stuff. I waited to feel excited. I'm still waiting.

Monday came. We went for the scan. A complete miscarriage. My body had expelled everything and it was all back to normal. I was expecting to feel normal, no more waiting for confirmation now, no more appointments, no more pregnancy. I didn't feel normal.

Tuesday, 2 weeks after the whole thing started, I took my grandma shopping. It was nice. I saw a picture of cows and really liked it. I wanted it for the house. When I got home, I told Dee. He said I could get it because it was the first thing I'd shown any excitement towards regarding the house. I found the picture online and realised it looked like two parent cows and a baby cow. I didn't want it anymore. 

Everyday, I wait to feel better. I wait to feel normal. I try doing things to make myself feel better. Nothing works. I think this is just how I feel now.