Where do we go from here?

 There was a rainbow today and two vvfl on two pregnancy tests

 It's been a whole month now since the beginning. I didn't feel too bad, I feel like I've been getting better over these past few days. Yesterday, I overheard a conversation about finding out the gender. They obviously weren't doing it to hurt me, I wasn't in the conversation and I had my back to it but I could hear it. It was hard to hear knowing no one would ask me that. I'm supposed to be 12 weeks on Friday. I should be getting excited about sharing the news but instead I'm trying to hold back tears while overhearing conversations. Someone asked me how I was doing today. All I could say was "up and down". I wanted to say more but I could stop myself from filling up. I just kept blinking until the tears went away and hoped she didn't notice. Obviously she was asking to be polite and to be kind which is lovely. But I just hate being asked. I just want to tell everyone I feel like absolute shit. But that's not really socially acceptable.

 I had 5 days off during my miscarriage and then went back for half a day. It was not a productive day. I cried a lot. Stared at my laptop a lot. Nothing really got done. I then did another half day which was easier and a full day and then thankfully, it was time for a week off. I was clearly not my usual bubbly self but my colleague had told everyone I'd been vomiting so no one asked questions. They just asked if I was feeling better. "Getting there" I'd reply. The week off was mainly just me sitting on the sofa and eating cookies. I was not better. Today, I went back again. I'm glad I did those few days before half term. I think it made it easier. It was not easy though. I couldn't bear walking around trying to pretend I was okay. I just wanted to look as miserable as I felt. I decided to ask my boss to email everyone to let them know. I don't want to talk about it but I just want to know that I can walk down the corridor looking like shit and no one wil

 It's a constant fluctuation of feeling okay and feeling shit. Yesterday, I felt okay. Motivated. Did lots of cleaning and felt okay. Today, I can't do anything. I just want to be pregnant. 

 We waited a year to get pregnant  I waited days to be given a scan I waited for the bleeding to stop  For two weeks, I waited to be told that it was all over Now I wait to feel normal, to feel better I wait for the sadness to go I wait for the guilt to end I wait for the opportunity to try again and wait and wait and wait 

It felt like my period was about to start. The cramping. The general rubbish feeling. I'd taken a cheap pregnancy test that morning and it was negative. I wasn't due on for another 4 days. But this month felt different. I couldn't quite shake the feeling that maybe it had finally happened. I started to read through forums to find success stories of people who felt this way and found out they were pregnant. At around 6pm, the need to pee on yet another stick was so strong and I decided to try a more expensive, sensitive one even though it was the evening and still so early. I just knew I should I do it though.  So, on the 9th January, I peed on a stick. I'd lost count of how many times I'd done this over the past year. It was always the same result. 1 line. Not pregnant. Except this time, there was a faint line maybe. It wasn't obvious but it was something. I showed Dee who wasn't convinced but I knew. On the Monday, it was a more obvious line. Still faint bu